Where to begin ……….
Life is without its challenges, you travel along life’s pathway building your life to be what you want it to be, dealing with hurdles as they are thrown in your way, taking it in your stride as life throws everything at you. Sounds easy
So why is it that I am feeling so lost
Over the last few days I have felt lost, questioning who I am as a person, what is my purpose is in life and the answer is I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong I have a good life, partner, family, friends but I feel that something is not right. Maybe its all the changes that has happened over the last few months, people who play a vital role in my life have moved on to pastures new, following their dreams which maybe why I am questioning where and who I am
“Not until we are lost do we begin to know ourselves” Henry David Thoreau
I am surrounded with people in my life who accept me for me, who support me through the good times and the bad times so why do I feel so alone?
“The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to yourself” Doug Coupland
So with that it is time to take sometime timeout, take a break from life to decide my next journey, to decide which path to take that best suits me. Plan my future, identify my purpose and choose to do something to truly define my life, what this will be at this point I do not know but when I get there and make it happen I will know I have done it.
So I will leave you with one last thought:
For as long as I can remember I have always heard life is a rollercoaster, you will always have your ups and downs, life is a journey and you/I hold the map and choose my destination.
Never a truer word has been said life is what you make it, and no matter who you are there will always be a point where you will have to figure out the next step, the hurdle, what to do, how to do it, where do I want to be. Hurdle after hurdle, do you go round it, change your direction, or jump over it, do you go for the easier option or the harder option? No matter which one you choose the one thing remains the same is your vision, your aim.
So here I am, 2 months post op and can safely say I am 90% pain free, success and I feeling like superwoman. It has been such a long time since I have lived without pain each and every day, but this feeling, living with very minimal pain is absolutely amazing that I feel that a load has been lifted off me and it is so amazing that I have a spring in my step. No more pain med hangovers, no more living on my hot water bottle, no more discomfort, no more wondering when my next emergency trip to hospital will be.
Yet my next hurdle, my next iceberg, my next challenge is just around the corner and I am not sure when to open the door to start this next stage, do I or don’t I that is the question. I am pain free, my endometriosis has been removed (apart from bladder and bowel, as this is major surgery and I am not ready for this just yet), yet with this I am still pain free, just the odd twinge now and then and this is down to remaining on birth control continually, hence no visit from good old Aunt Flo. Yet I know I have to at some point take a break and prepare for Aunt Flo, to try and start for a family, yet I am scared. I am 37yrs old and I am fricking scared of having my period, life has thrown me so much and the main thing I am scared of is the natural part of being a women a period, a girl’s best friend (as they say, more like an enemy), a reminder that for another month the chance of a conceiving has been well and truly failed.
if I take this step I am taking the biggest risk of feeding my endometriosis, fuelling the fire that is gently simmering away waiting for revenge, to kick my ass. Am I ready for the pain, the hurt, the build up of endometriomas, to commence my organs to begin to be stuck together, my insides to feel like a war zone, that they are being hacked to death? Â
I am not too sure if I can handle this, if I am ready to fight all over again, to be dragged down month after month, to return to living in a medication haze, yet the other part of me wants to see if I am able to have a child, provide my partner with his legacy (god knows he deserves this), I need to know, I cannot bear the thought of the WHAT IF syndrome. Do I try naturally or do I wait to commence IVF next year, yet again I will still be thinking WHAT IF??? Is the pain and suffering worth the chance to have our own child, I can safely say that without a shadow of doubt of course it is, yet it doesn’t stop me from being scared, dreading that first twinge of pain and the week of hell that is about to happen, my body invaded by endometriosis gremlins ripping my insides apart. So if I am going to do this I will conquer my fear, I will stand and fight, I will be strong, stronger than I have ever been,
Over the last few weeks, endo has been kicking my butt and still is. I am physically and emotionally drained with the constant symptoms of endo. This week I have taken some leave from work to rest, to try and get myself back to what I feel is normal, however this is not working, no matter how much I rest I feel no better, feeling constantly tired and low. Earlier on in the week I spent some time with my family which perked me up but even going out for a meal took its toll where I ended up in bed at 8pm most nights and taking naps during the day.
I went to the hospital yesterday and finally know how bad my endo currently is. My uterus, bowel and bladder are all stuck together, bladder and bowel covered in endo adhesions and several cysts measuring 5+ cm’s. I tried not to cry but failed big time when the consultant was reading my MRI results. All I ask for is to feel normal and to have a chance to start IVF but this seems so far away.
In June 2011 I had emergency surgery where I was diagnosed with Endo and it appears there were fragments of endo left in which the surgeon could not reach which has caused this flare up even on treatment. So the next step is to meet the surgeon next Friday to find out my options, in the meantime I will continue to try and get through each day the best I can.
There are so many times where I feel lost in a crowd, in the hustle and bustle of life does anyone really know who I am, what i think and feel. If I am honest the answer will be NO. The reason being is, well I don’t know why, maybe its because I don’t want people to really know me, a barrier, a protection from being hurt, or maybe I don’t want people to really know what I feel and think, especially currently.
This evening I sat in the garden watching the world go by and felt so detached from life. As I was sat there I  was listening to groups heading into town, loving and living life I wished for one day only I could live a different life, one free from worry and pain, one free from people worrying about me or me letting people down.
Don’t get me wrong I am lucky to have an amazing partner, my family and friends who support me through thick and thin, who make me smile and pick me up when there is a need. Yet I still feel lost. Behind the mask, behind my smile is somone but who that someone is me. 
Endometriosis ~ My Journey 