Over the last few weeks, endo has been kicking my butt and still is. I am physically and emotionally drained with the constant symptoms of endo. This week I have taken some leave from work to rest, to try and get myself back to what I feel is normal, however this is not working, no matter how much I rest I feel no better, feeling constantly tired and low. Earlier on in the week I spent some time with my family which perked me up but even going out for a meal took its toll where I ended up in bed at 8pm most nights and taking naps during the day.
I went to the hospital yesterday and finally know how bad my endo currently is. My uterus, bowel and bladder are all stuck together, bladder and bowel covered in endo adhesions and several cysts measuring 5+ cm’s. I tried not to cry but failed big time when the consultant was reading my MRI results. All I ask for is to feel normal and to have a chance to start IVF but this seems so far away.
In June 2011 I had emergency surgery where I was diagnosed with Endo and it appears there were fragments of endo left in which the surgeon could not reach which has caused this flare up even on treatment. So the next step is to meet the surgeon next Friday to find out my options, in the meantime I will continue to try and get through each day the best I can.
There are so many times where I feel lost in a crowd, in the hustle and bustle of life does anyone really know who I am, what i think and feel. If I am honest the answer will be NO. The reason being is, well I don’t know why, maybe its because I don’t want people to really know me, a barrier, a protection from being hurt, or maybe I don’t want people to really know what I feel and think, especially currently.
This evening I sat in the garden watching the world go by and felt so detached from life. As I was sat there I was listening to groups heading into town, loving and living life I wished for one day only I could live a different life, one free from worry and pain, one free from people worrying about me or me letting people down.
Don’t get me wrong I am lucky to have an amazing partner, my family and friends who support me through thick and thin, who make me smile and pick me up when there is a need. Yet I still feel lost. Behind the mask, behind my smile is somone but who that someone is me.