For as long as I can remember I have always heard life is a rollercoaster, you will always have your ups and downs, life is a journey and you/I hold the map and choose my destination.
Never a truer word has been said life is what you make it, and no matter who you are there will always be a point where you will have to figure out the next step, the hurdle, what to do, how to do it, where do I want to be. Hurdle after hurdle, do you go round it, change your direction, or jump over it, do you go for the easier option or the harder option? No matter which one you choose the one thing remains the same is your vision, your aim.
So here I am, 2 months post op and can safely say I am 90% pain free, success and I feeling like superwoman. It has been such a long time since I have lived without pain each and every day, but this feeling, living with very minimal pain is absolutely amazing that I feel that a load has been lifted off me and it is so amazing that I have a spring in my step. No more pain med hangovers, no more living on my hot water bottle, no more discomfort, no more wondering when my next emergency trip to hospital will be.
Yet my next hurdle, my next iceberg, my next challenge is just around the corner and I am not sure when to open the door to start this next stage, do I or don’t I that is the question. I am pain free, my endometriosis has been removed (apart from bladder and bowel, as this is major surgery and I am not ready for this just yet), yet with this I am still pain free, just the odd twinge now and then and this is down to remaining on birth control continually, hence no visit from good old Aunt Flo. Yet I know I have to at some point take a break and prepare for Aunt Flo, to try and start for a family, yet I am scared. I am 37yrs old and I am fricking scared of having my period, life has thrown me so much and the main thing I am scared of is the natural part of being a women a period, a girl’s best friend (as they say, more like an enemy), a reminder that for another month the chance of a conceiving has been well and truly failed.
if I take this step I am taking the biggest risk of feeding my endometriosis, fuelling the fire that is gently simmering away waiting for revenge, to kick my ass. Am I ready for the pain, the hurt, the build up of endometriomas, to commence my organs to begin to be stuck together, my insides to feel like a war zone, that they are being hacked to death?
I am not too sure if I can handle this, if I am ready to fight all over again, to be dragged down month after month, to return to living in a medication haze, yet the other part of me wants to see if I am able to have a child, provide my partner with his legacy (god knows he deserves this), I need to know, I cannot bear the thought of the WHAT IF syndrome. Do I try naturally or do I wait to commence IVF next year, yet again I will still be thinking WHAT IF??? Is the pain and suffering worth the chance to have our own child, I can safely say that without a shadow of doubt of course it is, yet it doesn’t stop me from being scared, dreading that first twinge of pain and the week of hell that is about to happen, my body invaded by endometriosis gremlins ripping my insides apart. So if I am going to do this I will conquer my fear, I will stand and fight, I will be strong, stronger than I have ever been,
At this time you may being doing your best to destroy me and kick my ass. At this time you are throwing everything at me with all your might. I will hand it to you, you are currently ahead of the game, and you are dragging me down. However let me warn you, each day you try to beat me makes me fight stronger and my motivated not to give in. So go on keep going as I know I will get up each day and keep going no matter what.