When does enough become enough?
When does urgent become urgent?
How much can one person take?

Well not much more, I can’t take much more, there is only so much pain, discomfort and illness I can take.

There is only so long I can fight and stay strong before I start to crumble and I am at that point I am starting to crumble. Enough is Enough!!!!

image

It’s not that I am giving up or giving in, it’s that I can’t fight this on my own, it is too much for me to take. I can’t cope with the continually flare ups that no matter what I do to try and get through it doesn’t work.

Take last night. At 8pm I started to feel a stabbing pain in my lower back and left pelvis, so I took some paracetamol. At 9pm, the pain was more intense so I took Naproxen and tramadol. Laid back down with my 2hot water bottles hoping for some ease. Tossing and turning, moving from different positions to get some ease but to no avail. At 10pm the pain was immense that it made me sick. I took my oramorph, and rocked back and forth, crouched on all fours, curled up in a ball and cried out loud. I can’t do this anymore, at 11.30 I thought (apologies)

image

What harm can it do, so I took another dose of oromorph hoping that this would make a difference, but no. At midnight I had no option but to go to A&E, but in my mind I just kept thinking it’s going to be the same thing, pain medication, IV morphine and referral to Acute gynecology. At this point I did not know what to do for the best. I asked my partner his thoughts, (all I wanted him to say was you need to go to the hospital) but he didn’t he just said it has to be my decision. This made me break down in tears, I knew hew was right but I need him to just say it. Finally he did and he took me to A&E.

Whilst being treated with IV morphine I felt that I could take no more, when would it be urgent for my consultant to actually do something. I know my case is complex and we need to talk it through but I can’t keep going on with regular trips to A&E for urgent treatment when the pain gets out of control. I just keep telling myself I just need to make it to the 10th June but it seems so far away.

So I was right referral to Acute gynecology or admit to Ward 8 if I couldn’t cope. The problem is I knew if I admit myself my consultant will see me and send me home as the pain would of calmed down due to the IV morphine. So I opted for the referral to the dismay of my partner. I chose this option as I need to get someone on my side to help me push my case with my consultant and this is the only way I can think of doing it.

I don’t want sympathy let me put that out there now, I don’t need to hear the sorries. I am not even asking for empathy, I am just wanting to express my ongoing battle just to try and live life. Physically I am broken and yes this can be fixed with medication. But emotionally I am broken, emotionally I am exhausted sinking into dispear.

image

Its not only the affect this is having on me but the worry and stress I put on others, my partner Neil, my mum, my dad, my sister. I hate that I put them all through this. I know that they live this journey with me but even so I am still laid here this evening with a sense of loss, a sense of emptiness, a sense of loneliness as no-one really knows the true extent this disease and journey is having on me.

image

Maybe it’s because the last 3months have been hell and continue to be so that I can’t see the light at the the end of the tunnel. I know that light is there it’s just getting to that light is taking its toll on me.