So in June 2011 I had major surgery where I was diagnosed with Grade 4 Endometriosis. What an ordeal that was, so much to take in about what they had found, what they had done and the impact this was going to have on my future.
After months of vomiting, constant pain and fatigue I finally knew what was the cause, a 9cm endo cyst wrapped around my left ovray entwinning into my bowel and bladder, my pelvic area knotted together by endo.
It took sometime for everything to sink in, physically I was sore but could cope with this, however emotionally I was an absolute mess. I missed my family so much and wanted to be around them to have a sense of normality. Looking back on this maybe it was because I wanted to go home where I was safe and forget reality. However my partner was and still is my rock, as for him I would not have got through this.
Emotionally I did not feel like a women, every women is born into this world tobe able to bear a child…….. but oh no not me thanks to Endo this has been taking away for me ……. naturally anyway. This I found really difficult and felt I was being punished for not wanting children in my earlier years and not really being maternally around children, (I can remember joking with my family saying I will never have children as it hurts too much but I didn’t mean it literally). Being told my chances of having children are very low felt like my heart had been ripped out, along with this, my ovary being removed and a massive scar on my stomach I felt far from being a woman. I was just a thing, I didn’t feel anything just numb. I tried to be positive and kept smiling but inside I was hurting, I just wanted to curl up into a ball, close my eyes and wake up to a different life.
Treatment after surgey I was given a course of Prostrap, which temp put my body through the change, which was great as I was pain free, but the flushes jeez were unreal and the mood swings were horrendous. Poor Neil I was a complete bitch, I could hear myself but couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried.
In October I had my appointment at the women’s hospital to discuss IVF, well what a disappointed that was, yes it will imporve my chances by 30% which is better than 0% but the consultant made me feel as if I was the fattest woman on the earth. To get funding I had to lose weight 2 stone to be exact and my partner had to quit smoking. I also had to come off the prostrap as they needed to check my hormones whilst having a monthly cycle. This is what scared me the most.
In December I had my last injection, this scared me as I didn’t know what to expect, what was my 1st cycle going to be liked, I loved not having any pain, but bang in Jan 2012 it floored me, I was in agony but I got through each month a usual.
Between Jan and March I was back and forth to my GP as the pain was getting worse and lasting longer and longer, but my GP as normal didn’t have a clue what to do. One Friday in March I had enough, visit to my GP resulted in him putting me on the pill …….. give it a month for this to work and we will review how you he said. A month I couldn’t handle another bleeding month. The next day I ended up in A&E where I was treated for a UTI and sent home (this is history repeating itself yet again), but I gave it a chance to work. By the Tuesday I could hardly move and was so drained that my partner dragged me to the walk in clinic (couldn’t get a GP appt as they were all booked up). 4 hours later after being examined the nurse practitioner wise words were, your definately protecting something on your left side…….. no feckin shit sherlock. Anyway after 30mins or so I was sent to City Hospital where I was examined again. In fairness she actually did show some empathy. I was taken to an examination room where I was poked, prodded, had needles stuck in all over which was an ordeal in itself. After they had finished they felt they needed to x-ray and scan me. I went down for an x-ray about 10pm afterwards I was taken back to the ward. At 2am I was transferred to another ward until I had my scan in the morning.
In the morning, after tests and scans I was greeted by my consultant who I have to say has been amazing and so supportive. My scan showed my bladder and bowel were covered in endo adhesions and another endo cyst about 5cm on my left side. I just cried…….. thinking not again. I had 3 options:
1. Further surgery to remove endo and cyst but the risks are high to perforating my bladder and bowel
3. Pain management until my IVF appointment in 2 months time.
After a lengthy discussion about all options I went for pain management which has helped to some degree. I am currently manage my pain and having good and bad days, but this is being managed with medical help.
2 weeks ago we had our IVF appointment and have been accepted for NHS funding in which we start in september as I still have 5llbs to lose but this time she has faith that I will do this and is fully supporting me. I have several tests to undergo and start back on the Prostrap this month (poor Neil, let me say sorry now) but it will be all worth it if we can have our own child.
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. By writing this and other blogs helps me to cope with Endometriosis. It plays a huge part in my life to the point it defines what my day is going to be like and this I have accepted.